I recently took a leap of faith and walked away from a horrible, but good paying job in search of what my place is in this world. Now I am struggling and why? Why would anyone do that to themselves, quit working with no help and no back up? In my quest for answers it did not take a therapist to tell me that I am punishing myself for living after burying my mother and euthanizing my boy cat, my two major duties in life. Losing a job was my final loss of duty. I am grieving.
Being dutiful was all I knew, it was all I had ever been. I had dreams of becoming a mother mainly because I wanted to take care of people. But, I never seemed to focus on MY life, on what makes ME happy. I realized being dutiful was all that made me happy, made me shine, but it was not about ME. I felt safe and comfortable being dutiful and when loss occurred, my duties were gone and grief set in I had no idea where to go from there. Taking a “leap of faith” did not help me find my way in life, rather, it became my punishment, it was grief clinging to my spirit and that is not good.
A couple of days ago I began binge watching a new Netflix special called, Street Food. Asian and Filipino street food vendors share their stories of sacrifice, loss and success. Just when I thought my leap of faith was wearing thin, just when I began to regret my decision to finally find my own way in life, just when I thought of giving up and go back to working a 9 to 5 and spend the rest of my life living only to pay rent and bills, I found Street Food. These folks (chefs, cooks) refused to give up, even in their struggles they found their purpose in life.
It was no coincidence that I stumbled upon this series, I am sure of that. I might watch all the episodes over and over just to drown out the noise in my head; “You failed! Go back to work, forget about being a tee vee writer, Hollywood is a closed door industry filled with narcissistic hateful people who don’t want you to win! Working class is the only road for you!”
No, I CAN win, I realize that now. And I am grateful for this subtle sign from mom, God, the universe, whomever or whatever made me click on Netflix and watch the stories of these lovely people who have endeared way more than I could possibly imagine. I believe I was meant to watch these stories because I have always played it safe, I always had a job and I always paid my bills, on time. What I want in life is to get paid doing what I enjoy even if I have to struggle and sacrifice. Grief is real, but moving forward is vital. I will move forward, I have to move forward. We all do. Thanks for reading. LDS