One morning I awoke early to the tortured scratching of both cats scurrying across my forever-receding five miles of forehead. They are elderly yet they can find time to scare the shit out of me! I sat up in bed and I wondered three things. 1) Why do I have to paint on my eyebrows, what happened to them? 2) I never thought my two fourteen year-old sick cats (boy has diabetes, girl now has kidney issues) would out live my mother, they did. 3) I am a loner who has contemplated taking a “leap of faith” for nearly twenty years. Twenty!
I usually contemplate my life during the month of August, my birthday month. One more year of contemplation won’t kill me, so why not make it public, hmm?
So, let’s see I am a mid-life loner, orphaned with dying cats and few friends, most of whom are living their lives and loving it. I finally accept that I have lived in fear my entire life. I think I already stated this fact in another post. I am not afraid of failure, failure is inevitable. I am afraid of success.
I had a talk with one of my co-workers the other day, an easily annoyed, stressed woman who has a longtime boyfriend. We both have the same fear of success issue. But, she overcame her fear somewhat when after years of wanting that man, she finally got him. But, every day she fears he will die, or be badly crippled or burned or whatever.
I certainly don’t want to take that leap and stress over things. I don’t want to finally find the right man only to worry when he does not call that he is somewhere left for dead. A leap of faith is not only mandatory for me, but it must happen for my personal health and well-being. You see, my 9-2-5- is sucking the life out of me and my creative projects are suffering, not good. As for how I will leap, I will accept help and support – although, asking for help can be hard for some of us prideful brown skinned women. But, I will ask in the only way I can accept, positive thoughts and good energy from anyone reading this post. PS-forgive that I have not been reading other people’s posts, I can barely find time to do my own, but I will catch up, I will.
Also, I have removed myself from negative people and from people with whom I give all my attention, but they in turn give me crickets. This includes noted people who constantly ask you to “buy my CD,” or, “go see my film,” or whatever they are poaching. Some noted folks refuse to acknowledge what their fans are about, they give you “dust” because you ask the same of them that they ask of you. How selfish is that? We all of us deserve praise for our achievements, no matter what we achieve, right?
So, from now on, I will “follow” and “like” only those who follow, like and acknowledge me, period. I won’t cut off those I already follow, but I refuse to continue to praise anyone who does not give me praise. Acceptance and praise, I have come to learn, is vital in one’s emotional growth and mental development. I never gave a damn about anyone giving me praise before, but without my mother I now understand that reciprocal compliments matter in bringing positive energy into my life.
So, back to that morning when I awoke early to the tortured scratching of both cats scurrying across my forever-receding five miles of forehead. I went back to sleep, I had at least an hour before I had to rise for work. When I DID wake up I felt the scraping lick of my boy cat’s sand paper tongue against my eye lids. Ah, pets. My girl cat, who sleeps to the left me and who is afraid of AIR, was soft-licking my arm. This is how I wake up these days, morning kisses from two cats. But, instead of thinking “what a painful morning I am having,” or, “my cats are old and sick and they are going to leave me alone and old” like I normally do, I felt assured that the leap of faith had in fact begun. I state that because I am working harder on my creative projects no matter how tired I am, and I am corresponding with a man; we both enjoy writing each other. Now, I have not dated or acknowledged a partner since the last five or six Millenniums, so for me this is a nice beginning to a new life.
Just had to share that. Next time, I will focus blogging on my creative projects including my fiction novel, my knitting website and my mother’s photo book that I am currently revising.
Thanks for reading! Live, Love, Giggle and keep it positive. I will do the same. Cheers! LDS